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Myra Breckinridge
from Stowaway :CHINESE: Do you know any Amelican song? :SHIRLEY TEMPLE: Yes I do! It's called "You've Got to S-M-I-L-E!" said song plays, [[The Cinema Snob] happily strolling in a hotel corridor, when Diamanda Hagan sneaks up from behind him, and touches his shoulder, making him turn around.] SNOB: Shit! This better be good! You're interrupting my daily Rex Reed impersonation! HAGAN: Funny... I thought you'd be taller. SNOB: I thought you'd dress better. HAGAN: You try dressing well while you're reviewing Slaughtered Vomit Dolls. SNOB: Well, I dressed pretty fine while I watched Salo. HAGAN: Where The Dead Go To Die! SNOB: I don't care about your vacation. Gross-Out. All the blackface ever ... HAGAN: Bad Biology! Detachable, drug-addicted, sentient penis! Rapes a bunch of women! SNOB: Pink Flamingos. Singing asshole. HAGAN: Child Bride. SNOB: Skinny-dipping kid, huh? I've seen that one too. scratches her neck thinking HAGAN: You've ever seen a movie with a horse fucking a bird? SNOB: thinking a while You win. Wanna watch Myra Breckinridge with me? HAGAN: Sure thing, shorty! SNOB: I'm not short! You're just Richard Kiel! :Title card, following by the credits sequence, featuring footage of the movie, and the Snob's font and theme song... covered by the hardcore metal band that sings "Lecher Bitch". Our reviewers - "Your Host Vincent Dawn - Le Snob de Cinema -" and "Your Hostess Diamanda Hagan - Lecher Bich" are sitting in their hotel bed (Snob, atop some pillows to hide the difference, something that makes Hagan laugh and even measure him with her hands...) SNOB: If it's good enough for Humphrey Bogart, it's good enough for me. You know, there are there are other reviews I could be gracing my presence with. I heard there is someone called Count Jackula around. :of Myra Breckinridge SNOB (VO): Myra Breckinridge is the first of two godawful movies that Mae West came out of retirement to do. Personally, I think she got bored of being Hollywood royalty and just wanted to roll around in shit for a while. HAGAN (VO): The other one's Sextette. So if you're interested, just go check out my review. SNOB (VO): Really? Plugging your other work in the middle of your review? Classy! The least you could do is plug my work, that at least'd be original! This was based on a world-famous book by Gore Vidal, and like Caligula, he hated the end result! SNOB: So logically, I should will love this... but I won't! HAGAN (VO): After looking at director Michael Sarne's professional suicide note, we're in the middle of an operating theater as Myron Breckinridge prepares for a sex change operation. SNOB (VO): This is terrible. The anesthesias don't even use the whip! Those spectators should be in scrubs, and really, is the Stargate from 2001 the best place the best place to perform surgery? :Applause as the doctor enters the room. SNOB (VO): Although, if you're gonna be operated on by a Carradine, might as well make it John! :DR. JOHN CARRADINE: You realize, once we cut it off, it won’t grow back! I mean, it isn’t like hair, or fingernails, or toenails, you know! Both are shaking their heads in disbelief HAGAN: I think we need an expert. SNOB: Agreed. HAGAN: Minion! Get me Zinnia! Static, and then a shower where we meet "Your Trans Activist Zinnia Jones - Unhappy 2 b Cameoing - " (the text censoring her breasts), who screams in panic once she sees she's being filmed. Back in the hotel, Snob is shocked while a smiling Diamanda greets her friend. HAGAN: Hi Zinnia! ZINNIA: What the fuck are you doing? HAGAN : I'm watching Myra Breckrindge and I kinda need an expert. ZINNIA: OK, you had me when the guy holding the camera had a gun. What do you wanna know? :Footage from the hospital scene again HAGAN (VO): They're giving a sexual reassignment surgery. Is this normal? :DR. JOHN CARRADINE: You realize, once we cut it off, it won’t grow back! I mean, it isn’t like hair, or fingernails, or toenails, you know! ZINNIA: Honestly, it's kind of blatant to be mentioning that. :DR. JOHN CARRADINE: How about circumcision? It’d be cheaper! :MYRA: Come on, come on, come on! Let's get it over with! Myra’s waiting! ZINNIA: With all that hair and stubble, I'd assume they're doing an appendictomy rather than a "cut-it-off-tomy". HAGAN: I felt this smelled a bit fishy. Thanks! ZINNIA: the bird Fuck you! as Zinnia is cut off HAGAN: She's useful. wipes his face in disbelief and puts his hand in his mouth HAGAN: I said she's useful. SNOB: She had a dick! HAGAN: Yes, Snob. Try to keep up! :DR. JOHN CARRADINE: Well, wish me luck! I’ve never done one of these before! :Clip from Asterix in Britain, with Julius Caesar getting a flying map covering him up. :CAESAR: We're off to a great start! :As “You Gotta S-M-I-L-E to be H-A-Double-P-Y” plays, a pair of white loafers stroll down the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Mae West’s credit appears as an animated signature, and the white loafers do a little soft shoe over Ann Miller’s star and continue on. As the title "Gore Vidal's Myra Breckrinridge" is on the screen, Myron dressed in a white suit, white pants, and white tie, turns to a window and his reflection is that of Raquel Welch in the role of Myra. Myra’s wearing a frilly white dress as she does a little dance of her own. HAGAN (VO): You wanna know how people in musicals look like to the rest of the world? Now you can. :As Myron strolls some, he eventually becomes Myra doing a twirling, Sound of Music-esque dance routine. HAGAN (VO): My God, it's Spider-Man 3 all over again! Just reverse the colors! :Once Shirley Temple's song ends, she's applauded - and Myron is still dancing. SNOB: Movie, one does not applaud oneself. It's vulgar. :Myra and Myron shuffle off arm in arm, as the director credits appear. HAGAN (VO): True story: Michael Sarne wanted to take his name off the movie. But as Alan Smithee hadn't been invented yet, the only name he could use was Michael Sarne, so he didn't bother. :Suddenly, there’s a flash of yellow, and we cut to atomic test footage. :MYRA: I am Myra Breckinridge! :Followed by a clip of Raquel Welch in... HAGAN (VO): No, that's One Million B.C.. Less than 10 minutes in, they're already mixing up the Raquel Welch fantasy movies. One of the first rules of moviemaking is "don't remind us of a better movie in the middle of your movie!" The best possible result is that we keep watching, but we're pissed off we're not watching something better! HAGAN: And this film is hand 5% made of better films! SNOB: If this movie was put on YouTube, the makers of Grizzly 2 would threaten to sue in minutes! :A car entering the Buck Loner Academy as "Minuetto" plays. HAGAN (VO): And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum... tonight's review, Up the Academy. SNOB (VO): Myron's had his sex change and become Myra. Her uncle is a former movie star called Buck Loner who owns an acting school where they employ people to act like stroke victims. :Guy doing a weird performance: The trrrrreeee! SNOB (VO): Myra's arrived, posing as Myron’s widow, to convince him to give her half the school, even though it's legally half Myron's anyway. SNOB: at Diamanda If only I was rich, white and insane, I committed several types of fraud to get my own money too! :Myra enters a room, Buck dressed as a cowboy hat as he sits on a fake horse :BUCK: Howdy-doo. Come on right in. SNOB (VO): Buck is played by John Huston - yes, that John Huston. I don't know what's the bigger irony: this guy being one of the most celebrated directors in American history, or that Myron actor Rex Reed's day job is a film critic! :BUCK: What's your name, darlin'? :MYRA: Myra Breckinridge. :BUCK:That’s mighty long for— :We instantly cut to more random atomic test footage, wherein an old army barracks is blown apart. HAGAN: Myra Breckinridge, a name more destructive than an atom bomb. So many careers were destroyed by it! :MYRA:I'm the widow of your late nephew Myron, and I’ve come to collect half a million dollars. :At this, we get a random clip from Jesse James starring Tyrone Power. A gunman creeps up behind Tyrone, who gets shot and collapses to the floor, and we cut to Myra while the camera shakes. HAGAN (VO): This movie inserts clips of other movies onto itself. Sometimes to comment on the action, sometimes to make a joke about it, and sometimes because the director's ADHD. HAGAN: In short, this movie might have invented sampling! SNOB: And may God have mercy on its soul! HAGAN: No, I won't! while Snob looks in disbelief :More of Myra talking. HAGAN (VO): You know, for a filme that trivializes rape as much as this one does, using work by people who gave no consent in ways they'd probably wouldn't approve of seems rather apt. :Myron in a gallon cowboy hat. SNOB (VO): While the disembodied ghost of Myron watches, Myra and Buck make an arrangement. Myra will get a job teaching at the school... black man next to Buck and Jaye Davison will get back in training for his role in Stargate. :A clip of Marlene Dietrich in Seven Sinners, dressed like a Navy captain and singing “The Man’s in the Navy”. HAGAN (VO): Oh, movie, order me a Marlene Dietrich-agram. It's no Elizabeth Scott-agram, but thank you! :Myra’s class, she’s dressed as a Navy captain, just like Marlene Dietrich. :MYRA: During the decade between 1935 and 1945, no unimportant film was made in the United States! HAGAN: Liar! Liar! Child Bride! SNOB: No, that movie is a bot important. If it didn't exist. we wouldn't be able to ask the question "why the hell does Child Bride exist?" nods her head, in approval :Two guys in cowboy hats as they practice sliding a mug of beer back and forth across a bar. One guy is a little too engrossed in his newspaper, causing him to miss the glass. This is immediately followed by the loud foleyed-in noise of glass breaking. SNOB (VO): Wow, I think this was filmed in planet California! :Myron and the black guy. HAGAN (VO): Oh, so you know, sometimes Myra's played by Rex Reed, as Myron. Don't fucking look at me to explain it! :MYRON: Is your name really Irving? and Irving proudly announces, :IRVING: Irving Amadeus! :MYRON: That’s a Jewish name! :IRVING: Yes, I know. I used to be Jewish before being transmogrified... HAGAN (VO): It is a lot like that movie Watermelon Man, but much, much gayer! :There’s an acting class in an auditorium, and a bed is up on stage. :TEACHER: For today's class on cinema lovemaking! SNOB (VO): It's ironic that this movie failed its own class on Cinema Sex Scenes! HAGAN (VO): Eh, a little bit like Cheap, then. :Buck in an oversized hat saddling his horse SNOB (VO): There's the only person not be embarrassed in this movie. HAGAN (VO): John Huston? SNOB (VO): No, the horse! John Huston, what?! HAGAN (VO): He was getting pretty old. He was probably thinking they were filming The African Queen. SNOB (VO): Either way, he's a third too small for his hat. :A close-up of Myra's lips with "Science Fiction Double Feature" dubbed over. A guy next to a pre-fame Farrah Fawcett is watching. :RUSTY: I didn’t understand one word you said, but whatever it was I'm right with ya! HAGAN (VO): That's Rusty.Myra plans to rape him to demonstrate something... about stuff. I'm sure the book gave her something resembling a point? It's just a pity the director happily cut anything with a reason out, and replaced it with an all-purpose "queers are funny" vibe. SNOB (VO): So Myra, having taste, doesn't think much of the drugged out weirdos that pass for as actors these days! :BUCK: Great bunch of boys here. Of course, you get the occasional weirdo. But greatest bunch of kids in Hollywood. :Guy doing a weird performance: Bread? :MYRA: I'm certain of that. The drivel in their heads... must've been patiently instilled by the faculty. :BUCK: Wait a minute. The faculty may be a bunch of Commies and fags-- no offense, lrving-- but they're all eminently qualified. SNOB: Qualified... I need that on my resume. HAGAN: It's already there. in paper Right between "bullfighter" and "voice of Megatron". SNOB: Right, that was when I was in Bolero! HAGAN: Huh. :Then it’s back to Myra, Buck, and Buck’s horse, with a close-up on all three of their asses. HAGAN (VO): Slow zoom on a horse's ass. There's an unsettled joke in there. :A whole host of “Leading Man” types in the waiting room, and they all stand and clear a path as Leticia Van Allen, played by an aging, nearly mummified Mae West. SNOB (VO): On the other side of the city is Mae West playing Leticia Van Allen, the world's greatest talent agent. And she's selecting men to represent... on the last one Hoo-hoo! Tom Selleck! SNOB: Good work, Tom! Get your worse movie out of the way early! :Pre-Fame Tom Selleck heads on in, first taking a moment to straighten his tie. HAGAN (VO): Everything with Mae West it's basically Sextette. Random songs, over-the-top wardrobe, people claiming she is sexy... everything! But, this was made first. Actually, if you squint, you can imagine this scene as the auditions to Sextette. :LETICIA: Well, I don't care about your credits as long as you're oversexed. :TOM SELLECK: Oh, that's oneof my credits. curtain rises revealing...A bed. I never did see a bed in an office before. :LETICIA: Well, you see, I do a lot of night work sometimes. :Tom drops his suitcase, Leticia her feather boa. :LETICIA: Mmm. :Then we randomly cut to the Laurel and Hardy movie Great Guns. They’re both dressed as soldiers, and Stan is carrying a ridiculously long wooden plank that just stretches on and on through the shot. SNOB (VO): OK, this clip doesn't even make any sense! You're covering over a sex scene! it's like cutting over to Film Brain after I'm finishing this r... FILM BRAIN: Oh, piss off! :Leticia spots a cowboy in her waiting room who strikes her fancy. :LETICIA: Oh, hello, cowboy. How tall are you without your horse? :COWBOY: I'm six feet and seven inches. :LETICIA: Well, never mind about the six feet. Let’s talk about the seven inches! :Clip of Futurama. :CALCULON: That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer! :Myron and Myra HAGAN (VO); You know, it takes a while, as in 30 minutes to get to it, but the movie eventually explains what Myra is up to. Sort of. :MYRON: Your goal is... :MYRA: My goal is the destruction of the last vestigial traces of traditional manhood. :MYRON: In order to-- :MYRA: Realign the sexes-- :MYRON: While-- :MYRA: Decreasing population-- :MYRON: Thus-- :MYRA: Increasing human happiness. :MYRON: And-- :MYRA: Preparing humanity for its next stage. :MYRON: Bravo. is drinking from a plastic cup HAGAN: And she does this by raping someone. SNOB: - with a fake-looking CG Excuse me, it's bad manners to bring up rape when someone's taking a drink. HAGAN: No, it's not! throws his cup on the ground, it makes a loud foley noise, followed by the stock "screaming cat" noise :Myra kissing Myron all over his face. :MYRA: I just want to make you happy. : She kisses her way down his chest, and then... SNOB (VO): That's Myra, giving head to Myron?! HAGAN (VO): Yep. SNOB (VO): And they're the same person? HAGAN (VO): Yep. SNOB (VO): Is this masturbation? :A clip that eventually descends to Myra giving a banana to Myron. HAGAN (VO): Oh, fuck, I hope so. What I wanna know is... Myra is the real person here. Myron's sort of Tyler Durden in her head. So what the fuck is going on right now? I mean, if it was reverse maybe it could make sense. But what is she doing? Rolling around in bed and sucking off a banana? Because that would be a much funnier movie! :Then it’s back to Myron still writhing in pleasure :FARRAH FAWCETT (VO): H is for hot dog! :A Laurel & Hardy bit, where Oliver Hardy has champagne sprayed in his face. Diamanda grabs a Pixie Stick and sucks it SNOB: I don't know if I'm suddenly hungry or if I never wanna eat again! :One of Myra’s lectures. :MYRA: Johnny Weissmuller,the zaftig Tarzan... still provides the last word on soft man's relationship to hard environment. And Tarzan and the Amazons, 1945, he was-- :STUDENT: Tarzan and the Amazons? You mean you like that? :MYRA:As I've just indicated,it was a masterpiece. :STUDENT: But it's trash. HAGAN (VO): Hey, look! It's the Snob's dad! SNOB (VO): Oh, thanks! I knew there was a reason I disowned him! :STUDENT: I mean, it'; not, uh, real. :MYRA: Whatever real means, is that necessarily good? a bearded man is shown Could the real Christ have possessed a fraction of the radiance of H. B. Warner in the first King of Kings... HAGAN (VO): In case you didn't recognize him, that's the director Michael Sarne, looking like Jesus when she talked about Christ. So I'm filing this with of Bill Zebub and Ron Atkins as directors who played Jesus in their own movies for some reason. of... SNOB (VO): Pasolini had his mother play the Virgin Mary in The Gospel According to St. Matthew! HAGAN: And what the fuck does that have to do with anything? SNOB: Nothing! I just pretend I gave a crap on what you were talking about! :MYRA: The only contemporary figure we can point to is James Bond... who invariably ends up with a blowtorch aimed at his crotch. :BUCK: Miss Breckinridge. :MYRA: Ah, Uncle Buck. SNOB (VO): Holy crap, movie. Stop reminding me of better movies I could be watching! It was bad enough when you were talking about the 1940s Tarzan! But at least that was deliberate! :MYRA: What you have assembled here are the national dregs, the misfits and neurotics. In short, the fuck ups of our culture. HAGAN (VO): Ah, the movie got bored and started taking a piss out of itself and full-on abusing its own cast. I'm not entirely sure we're needed here. SNOB (VO): You're certainly not needed here! :Cut to a cop pulling over Leticia Van Allen :COP:Hello, Miss Van Allen. I thought this was your car. Anything I can do for you? :LETICIA:Come to think of it, yes. There's a car been following me for quite some time. :COP: Want me to bust him? :LETICIA: No. him a card Introduce him. HAGAN (VO): Must take her a small ice age just to get to the fucking shops. Luckily, she has the lifespan of a Galapagos tortoise. Doubly luckily, she's wearing a furry dog cone... on her hair. reading: Cara mia! Thats French. This Italian guy travelled across the world to meet Mae West and tell her how much he wants to fuck her. :MARIO: You are the reason I come so far from Italy. I could not stand it no more. Ever since I see your pictures...I hear your record... I am in love with you. HAGAN (VO): And then kinda leaves the film. I'd like to think he was Dr. Sam Beck in an attempts to stop a syphillis outbreak that will kill millions if not trying by making patients zero monogamous. SNOB (VO): Either that, or he has an appointment with the next ex-sex symbol who has "make her feel young and pretty" in her contract! :Myra in a horseriding suit. HAGAN (VO): Is it just me or is Raquel Welch in a clothing-based war of attrition with Mae West? SNOB (VO): So Uncle Buck - huhuhu - has done some digging, and found no record of Myron getting married to Myra in the whole United States. :BUCK: There's no record of any Myron Breckinridge being married in the whole United States. :MYRA: No record of my marriage to Myron exists in any of the United States... a paper for the excellent reason that we were married in Mexico. SNOB: Pay attention to this. There might be a test later on. :A completely naked couple out in the grass, and for no particular reason they go scurrying off. SNOB (VO): Hey, a couple looking for a less embarrassing movie to be seen fucking in! Sidehackers, maybe? :Myra in a white suit, receiving Rusty. HAGAN (VO): Myra has Rusty come to her room, partly to rape him but mostly to show her Fifth Doctor cosplay. It's quite good. :Myra sighs, then walks over to him and starts digging her hands into the waist of his jeans. :MYRA: Hands flat against the wall! :RUSTY: But Miss Myra,you're jerking my pants down! :MYRA: Will you do as I say? HAGAN: You're so fucking raped, dude! SNOB: Hey! The rape scene happens at the end! :Scene is playing again... SNOB (VO): If they put it halfway through, then everyone will leave the theaters and snuck into the last half of Kelly's Heroes. HAGAN (VO): Oh, so it's like the Star Wars prequels. If Anakin turned into Vader early on, there would be no reason to swim into the river of shit. :...and shows Myra she yanking them jeans down, exposing his butt cheeks. SNOB (VO): I've never seen this, the Star Wars you talk about, but your example seems to be sound! HAGAN (VO): So, why do they film the scene like a horror movie? SNOB: Because they're massive teases, and we are terrible people. facepalms HAGAN: And Michael Sarne is a terrible director! And he was trying to be funny! SNOB: Y'know,that explanation makes me feel better. I agree with that! :A party, where several stoned women are wearing minimal clothing. SNOB (VO): There's a traditional 70s coke party going on, and Mae West turns up. It's like she heard the siren call of naked flesh, and was drawn to it like the geriatric sex vampire. HAGAN (VO): Where the hell did she get Adam Adamant and Mandarin from Magician at this hour?Myra's passed out in the bath, but Myron's wandering at the party. So how can a figment of her imagination be less drunk than she is? :Clip from Spaceballs :DARK HELMET: No-no-no, go past this, past this part. In fact, never play this again. : Buck in front of his office's mirror struggling to get his zipper up. :HAGAN (VO): And now it's time for Bum Reviews... tonight's episode, Taxi Driver. :Myra and Farrah in the saloon, and for some reason Myra’s in standard Widow Clothes. SNOB (VO): Holy shit, Raquel Welch is being eaten by frills! :Leticia sits down with Buck. HAGAN (VO):Both Mae West and Raquel Welch look like drag queen who were told to pick looks based on Cruella de Vil. And they went in very different directions. SNOB (VO): I don't know about you, but seeing John Huston and Mae West sit together makes me terrified. We're gonna see something I'll never be able to unsee. :MYRA: A steady stream of sturdy studs! :LETICIA: A boy bank, where credit is always good! Sort of a layered day plan! HAGAN: A layered plan keeps your virginity away! SNOB: Matthew, Chapter 5, Verse 14! :MYRA:God bless America! :LETICIA:God help America! :Myra with her hands on Rusty's shoulders. :JUDGE: The commies will use every infernal device known to man to worm their way into our churches and supermarkets! SNOB (VO): Keep practicing, Udo Kier! You'll perfect that German accent someday! : Farrah sitting in front of a statue of Buck Loner as an operatic aria plays. A guy dressed in a red monk’s cloak walks down a red carpeted sidewalk next to her, leading to dub in the monk song from Monty Python and the Holy Grail *SPLAT*. :Farrah smiles, spotlights are turned on... and then a clip from a Busby Berkeley musical where several dancers wear huge bananas on their heads. HAGAN (VO): Myra Breckinridge, at least... oh, well. at most 90% original footage. :A curtained carrying-chair is brought to a stage, with dancers alongside. :ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen... we take great pleasure in presenting to you... the world-famous recording star... Miss Leticia Van Allen! SNOB: Oh goodie. I love a contractual obligation song! :Mae West singing. HAGAN (VO): He's not kidding. Mae West has two musical numbers because it was in her contract. So she's playing a Hollywood agent slash pop star. SNOB (VO): It's like she has the mutant ability to warp reality, but only inside of movies. :RUSTY:Hell, jail wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for all those faggots. There's always some fruit after you. :MYRA: That shouldn't bother you, Rusty. :RUSTY: The whole idea makes me wanna puke! A man should act like a man! Do you know what I mean? Doug Walker in his couch: OH HELL YEAH! Watching an eighty-year old in a sequined dress singing show tunes! Manly! (gobbles up Fritos) Graaah! :MYRA: What is normal? HAGAN (VO): It's what everyone who is not in Myra Breckinridge does. SNOB (VO): And mostly, that's throw shit in people who was in Myra Breckinridge. :Mae West continues to perform SNOB: I'd like to think that in real life, Mae West is just like this. HAGAN: I'd like to think that in real life, Mae West is dead! SNOB: Ouch. HAGAN (VO): But still, being dead didn't stop appearing in this. Let's wrap it. :Mae still performing. SNOB (VO): She's a walking midlife crisis, and I speak that as a man who already chose his penis enhancer! Her name is Brenda, and she's a Chevy. :Mae's musical number... rescored to "Move Your Dead Bones" by Dr. Re-Animator. It finally ends to applause :RUSTY: I still think a guy should ball chicks. :Clip of Riff Raff and Magenta laughing in Rocky Horror. :Rusty in red by a pool. HAGAN (VO): Meanwhile, John Huston hangs in an old person pool party. Complete with Marilyn Monroe, because Death Becomes Her was actually a fucking documentary! :Red-haired woman. SNOB (VO): Don't know how Mrs. De Large had an invitation. She wasn't even the star of A Clockwork Orange. HAGAN (VO): Maybe if there was a porn version. SNOB (VO): If there was, I shall to find it! Oh, wait. It's called A Clockwork Orgy. I have that movie. :Rusty in a checkered shirt. HAGAN (VO): Myra has decided that tonight is the night. She has Rusty alone, and the shots are ready. :MYRA: I've spoken to Uncle Buck's chiropractor... and she's going to arrange a special brace. But she couldn't be here tonight. So she asked me to take an exact tracing of your spine... so that she'll know what to do. So if you'll just slip off your shirt... we'll get right to work. SNOB (VO): So... why is she the nurse now? HAGAN (VO): I think there is a part of the point is that she can be everything she wants to be. :MYRA: Now, we'll need a urine specimen. flask Step behind the screen. :RUSTY: But, uh-- :MYRA: But? thunder HAGAN (VO): Even the lightning was sampled from a better movie than this! I'm pretty sure it was Horrors of the Wax Museum. :MYRA: Well, what's the matter? :RUSTY: I don't know. I guess I'm,uh, what they call pee shy. SNOB (VO): I understand, Rusty. Invisible privacy screens make me nervous before I get raped too. :MYRA:Bend over the table, please. turns, she slaps his butt with a ruler There's more where that came from. Bend over the table. SNOB (VO): Is it wrong that I'm sorry that Raquel Welch didn't star in a non-canon Ilsa sequel? HAGAN (VO): No, that just means you're human. SNOB (VO): Ha, they could've called it Ilsa: Fraulein Ass Ass. :Myra is setting up the restraints. :MYRA: Now, this is just so you won't move... while I do the tracing. :Cut to a portrait of Marilyn Monroe as lightning crashes. :RUSTY:You're playing some kind of joke on me. I know you are.You're playin’ some kinda joke on me! :MYRA:Oh, this is no joke, Rusty.I’m in deadly earnest!You have a lot to learn. stands besides a poster of Errol Flynn giving a slasher smile All you men have a lot to learn. Both reviewers smiling. HAGAN: I fucking love that shot! SNOB (VO): Ah, Errol Flynn. Sex, drugs, photobombing... is there anything you didn't excel at? :MYRA: It’s called balling! :RUSTY: I know how to do that! :MYRA: That’s what you think. I shall ball you, Rusty! It’s very simple! :Rusty lying bare-assed across the examination table. Myra in a star-spangled bikini, we see Myra doing something below her waist, out of the frame, and suddenly something snaps shut. :RUSTY: Oh my God, Jesus, you’ll kill me! :Then, a shot of Myron sitting in a movie theater, eating a big bag of popcorn. He laughs. :MYRA: I won’t kill you, Rusty. :Clip of a young Judy Garland behind a microphone telling a crowd, “I reckon none of you Northern folk ever heard of Texas Callahan makin’ love to his gal! Well, you’re gonna hear it now!” Then we hear “charge” played on a trumpet, which is immediately followed by a shot of Myra dressed head to toe in armor and sitting on a horse, holding a lance... :MYRA:Chaaaaaaaaaaarge! :Clip of Vikings using a big log to bust down a castle gate. :Myra "riding" Rusty, waving her cowboy hat. :RUSTY: God, no, what are you-- :MYRA: Yee-haw! :people at a horse race. :MAN: Certainly leaned on that one! :Then it’s back and forth between the anal dildo rape and moments from other old films. There’s a clip of Laurel and Hardy yelling at somebody in a panic, then a clip of a woman saying, “Atta boy!” After more footage of the anal dildo rape, we cut to a soldier in a old movie saying, “That’s what I call disgustin’!” SNOB: Worst episode of Ninja the Mission Force thus far! HAGAN: Or perhaps, the best! SNOB: Do I look like someone who'd watch anything with the word "Ninja" in the title? :Footage from an old movie where the Hoover Dam bursts and crumbles. :Clip from Chirpy, saying "holy shit!" :People watching in horror, and then more of "rodeo rape", leading to someone spitting in disgust :MYRA (VO): I’m coming, Scarlett, I’m coming! I’m coming, Lana! :Random shots of a musical number in an old movie, we see Myra in a big frilly dress. She’s on a flowered swing against a black background. :MYRA: Hooray for Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck! :["Hooray for Hollywood!" from Sextette] :MYRA: Uncle Sam, here I coooooooome! :Clip from Ferocious Female Freedom Fighters, woman watching in horror. :WOMAN (VO): Jesus, what kind of ride is that? :Stock footage of a roller coaster going down a slope, then a plane gliding over water, Snob eating popcorn from The Cinema Snob Movie as Myra's laugh is heard, followed by a quick shot of Myra riding a broomstick. The screen goes orange, and once more, the Atomic Test . : People jumping in hell, screaming things such as "I choose damnation!" :Footage from Ed Wood :Ed Wood: If I had half a chance, I could make an entire movie out of this stock footage! Brad and Diamanda get up and dress like a post-coitus couple. Diamanda puts on a balloon hat (which remains for the rest of the review)... SNOB: Can I go now? HAGAN: You can go... now. he's about to go out the door Well, aren’t you going to thank me for all the trouble I’ve taken? SNOB: Thank you. door, leaves SNOB: behind the door Wait, this movie still has 25 minutes left! He returns, climbs the pillow tower, and seats. He stares briefly at the balloon hat, but brushes it aside. :Myra in a dress, approaches Myron in a table. HAGAN (VO): So, having raped Rusty, Myra assumes he won't say anything about it. And moves on to phase two: seducing his girlfriend. :MYRA: Only then will my victory be complete. Thus exuding power over both sexes, and indeed, over life itself! Door knocks. HAGAN: Oh, Zinnia. Zinnia, now in the toilet. ZINNIA: Oh, crap. What do you want? HAGAN: Do you seek mastery over both sexes, and life itself? ZINNIA: Yes, yes, I do. And when I have it, I'm gonna find both of you, and melt your goddamn brains! Static. HAGAN: Mmmm. Looks like the movie got something right after all! SNOB: "Both of you"? What the hell did I do? :Farrah arriving at Myra’s door, and she’s a weepy mess. HAGAN (VO): Farrah Fawcett's come over in tears, 'cause Rusty’s left her and vanished, claiming to hate women now. If he hadn't actually been sold into sex slavery for Mae West, I'd suggest that this is what happened to Alan Cumming and Saffron Burrows! SNOB (VO): Did you just namedrop a couple of porn stars? :Buck exasperated, next to a man. HAGAN (VO): Not yet, but I'm sure I will. Uncle Buck's taken some time off from resembling a cowboy Jimmy Saville to bring a lawyer to talk to Myra about her marriage certificate, forcing her to bring out the big gun. :MYRA: Proof will arrive before the end of the week in the person of Dr. Randolph Spencer Montag! :LAWYER:Montag? The great dental psychiatrist? The two look at each other... SNOB: Ha. There's no joke worthy of that line. nods negatively :A nurse enters Dr. Montag's dental office, where he's treating a woman. :NURSE:Long distance call, Dr. Montag. :MONTAG: Yeah. Uh, Mondo-- No, no. Montag here. Yeah? Oh. Oh, Myra.How are ya, kid. How's your teeth? patient Spit out now. :PATIENT: nurse Oh, you've got such lovely boobs. They're such a comfort to me. Diamanda is rubbing up Snob's chest. HAGAN:Such lovely boobs. They're such a comfort to me during awful movies. SNOB: feeling himself Mmmmm, me too! smiles :MONTAG: No, I said 15, Myra. Open up. Fifteen percent.I'm in L.A. tomorrow. :footage of a plane landing in an old movie. HAGAN (VO): Oh, fuck! Even a mime could afford a fucking plane; scene Now this is the scene where Myra reveals exactly who she is. You might think bringing Dr. Montag along might bring some kind of a point. Like maybe the operation. But no. SNOB (VO): Oh please! Giving Roger Carmel is like a self-fulfilling prophecy! The fact he has the cameo is all the point it needs. HAGAN (VO): He doesn't do anything. He sleeps in there half the time and barely says anything. The same place exactly it would be if he wasn't there. SNOB (VO): Yeah, but if he wasn't there the scene would've been robbed of its only good point: Roger Carmel. :MYRA: Randolph... I believe the moment of truth has finally arrived. :MONTAG: Go get 'em. :MYRA: Gentlemen... :At this, Myra steps up on the table and stands directly over Daddy Flager with her legs spread. Flager looks up and gasps. :MYRA: I am Myron Breckinridge! Uncle Buck, your fag nephew became your niece two years ago in Copenhagen, and is now free as a bird and happy in being the most extraordinary woman in the world! :As she says this, Myra drops her panties, and for some reason, this just makes Daddy Flager look really excited and eager. :Old movie clip of a woman telling a guy, “And I thought I fell in love with a man!” HAGAN: I didn't add that. The movie is reviewing its fucking self! SNOB: You only just figured that out? HAGAN: Why the fuck are we doing it if it's doing it itself? SNOB: Uh... Blip revenue? HAGAN: You've got a point. :In a bed we see... SNOB (VO): Farrah Fawcett and Raquel Welch spooning. It's weird how a movie that does so much so wrong did one thing so very right! :FARRAH: I even like it when you touch me. grabs Farrah’s boob Up to a point. HAGAN (VO): Oh yeah. It's fucking brilliant at cunt teasing. Really worth the 90 minute wait. :FARRAH: Oh, you are an angel, Myra, and I do love you. I really do. I just can't, you know? If only there were some man like you. I'd really fall. l would. But not like this.If only you were a man. :Myra crossing a street... HAGAN (VO): So the moral of the story is thus: don't be insane and do a sex change to rape a guy and get his girlfriend because she'll just turn out to be heterosexual because... that's statistically likely, with her dating a man and all! :...where a car is being driven by Myron. SNOB (VO): I'm not sure that's a moral! That's more common sense than all! Myron's late to his Great Gatsby lookalike contest when Myron almost runs her over. What, what, what?! :old movie footage of people looking horrified, followed by Myra flying after being hit. HAGAN (VO): Myra's him! He is Myra! She was Myra, and now he's Myra! The person driving the car doesn't even exist anymore! There's gotta be some bollock, 'cause everyone saw it happen! SNOB (VO): There is no way this can make any fucking sense! :Suddenly, we see Myron on a hospital bed, his head wrapped in bandages. It's all in black and white. :MYRON: Where are my tits? Where are my tits? is slack-jawed SNOB: Oh. It was a dream. So, it explains everything. Huh huh... no it doesn't! :A doctor enters the ward. SNOB (VO): If he lives in a black and white world, then why the fuck did he dream in color? Rex Reed might be a very famous friend of Dorothy, but he's not Judy Garland! HAGAN (VO): This might be the only part of the movie that makes any fucking sense! Myron Breckinridge is a deeply closeted gay guy and a film critic obsessed with old Hollywood. He was hit by a car, was knocked unconscious, and had a nightmare where he was in an awful adaptation of Myra Breckinridge! He'd seen images of Raquel Welch being famous in the magazine; Farrah Fawcett is his nurse, because she hadn't done Charlie's Angels yet; and so they appeared in his dream. So in retrospect the movie kinda makes sense. HAGAN: But it still not anything resembling good! :Clips of the film SNOB (VO): I don't know. Anything that gives us Farrah Fawcett and Raquel Welch in bed, regardless of the rest of the movie, has serious artistic merit! It was like all the works of Sappho smeared across the screen! HAGAN: Is "the works of Sappho" the name for your ejaculate? SNOB: I refuse to answer that in the merits that it might incriminate me! does a wanking motion with her hand :Clips of the film HAGAN (VO): I felt it was a mostly harmless and stupid little film until I sat down and watched the director's commentary. And then you find out Michael Sarne bitches about the gay agenda, calls gay people intrinsically sad, refers to trans people as mutilated, and talks about how his attitude in the film boils down to, hrm: "A man in a dress is fucking hilarious!" And shortly I told the minions to assassinate him, but they misread his name and now some poor bastard from Cracked.com's been garrotted. Luckily we clung before anyone noticed. SNOB (VO): This movie teaches me to never pull a Rex Reed and be a prestigious film critic who is nothing but adored and respected by the public while simultaneously appearing in a movie like Myra Breckinridge. Because you know, every movie I've appeared in have all been masterpieces! HAGAN (VO): Is this as bad as Sextette? No. This is varied in its shitiness while Sextette was singular and concentrated. Most of my hatred for this movie comes from the director's commentary more than the film itself. Make of that what you will. Snob claps. SNOB: So now you've been Breckinridged. How do you feel? HAGAN: I feel just like a short, bearded man, who's just watched Myra Breckinridge. smiles SNOB: Hey! HAGAN: Do you wanna go get drunk and talk about movies? SNOB: What, you're not already drunk? Ho, ho,ho! hand on her shoulder You have so much left to learn! End credits song: "Me Oh Myra" by Blouse THE END Category:Cinema Snob transcripts